Roommate Discussions

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In which, we bash organized religion, speak of the Pope’s holy member, and discover Robyn has mercury poisoning. And just for those of you wondering, yes, we did mention vaginas at least once. Sorry for the length, we were on a roll!

Robyn: So, what, I would still be your best friend if I had a penis?
Katy: Yes, you would still be my best friend if you had a penis.
Robyn: But you wouldn’t do me. 
Katy: I would not have sex with you.
Robyn: I don’t know if I’m insulted or not. 
Katy: That’s not an insult! …I’m trying to think of WHY it’s not an insult.
Robyn: [laughs] I’m like, it sounded kind of insulting.
Katy: Give me a minute! Um…I love you too much? [Turn signal noise] This is my “I’m trying to convince you” face.
Robyn: I’m letting the turn signal be the cricket. 
Katy: [laughs] I don’t understand why you would want me to have sex with you. It would make things awkward!
Robyn: Well, yeah, it would! I wouldn’t want to have sex with you! I’m just saying—
Katy: That’s the weirdest hypothetical question ever!
Robyn: How did we get here?”
Katy: I don’t know how we ever get anywhere! We just end up there, and then my head hurts, and I wanna like, go to church. 
Robyn: [laughs] I make you want to go to church? Cool!
Katy: No, see, THAT’S an insult.
Robyn: That’s a cool talent to have. I make people want to be holy!
Katy: No, you make people want to redeem themselves. Not quite the same thing!
Robyn: Ouch.
Katy: You know how sometimes dirty people make you want to go, “Oh, I need a shower.”
Robyn: Why is it that everytime I pull out a voice recorder, I end up getting insulted?
Katy: In all fairness, I insult you when it’s not out.
Robyn: Well, that’s true. But it seems like it happens more if I’m recording. 
Katy: [laughs] Now you’re going to have a complex. 
Robyn: I am! Everytime I pull out a recorder, I’m going to be like, “OH GOD I’M GONNA BE INSULTED.”
Katy: Stop giving me such great material.
Robyn: I’m not—
Katy: Yeah, see?
Robyn: Well, I can’t remember how we got onto the whole, ‘if I had a penis’ thing. Oh! Because I said I look like a boy in my beanie, and you said, “a cute boy.”
Katy: Yeah! But then, I said I would not have sex with you. 
Robyn: Yeah, okay, that’s how we got there. 
Katy: It’s like thirty degrees outside.
Robyn: It’s less than thirty!
Katy: Like, they’re frozen, they’ll stay frozen.
Robyn: Oh, look, I was right! It’s twenty seven!
Katy: Go you.
Robyn: Yay me!
Katy: Yay, you’re a thermometer!
Robyn: That’s a cool talent. I’m FULL of cool talents to have!
Katy: How is being a thermometer a cool talent?!
Robyn: I dunno, full of mercury? I don’t know.
Katy: So, you’re crazy? Yeah. 
Robyn: [chuckles] It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?
Katy: Yeah, it does. You’re actually not insane, you just have mercury poisoning! Which, explains why this morning, I was like, “What’s wrong with you?!”
Robyn: Yeah, my insane paranoia about some meeting—
Katy: It’s all because of mercury poisoning!
Robyn: See? All makes sense now. And? The cool thing is that I can put this ENTIRE conversation up, I don’t have to edit it at all! Because it’s all GOLD.
Katy: I’m sorry.
Robyn: It’s okay.
Katy: Damn church people are here, with their GOD and their Holiness. Those bastards.
Robyn: Heh, they’re bastards, but their holy. [laughs]
Katy: Hey!
Robyn: What?
Katy: I’m a holy bastard.
Robyn: That you are.
Katy: Yes, I am. 
Robyn: I… am not. Well, does it count if I was conceived when they weren’t married?
Katy: No, that just means you’re illegitimate.
Robyn: Oh, awesome!
Katy: You actually have to not know your father in order to be a bastard. 
Robyn. No… Well, wait—
Katy: Yeah! I’m sorry, that actually is the definition.
Robyn: Yeah…alright, alright, alright.
Katy: Which is why, when I tell people that I’m bastard coated bastard with bastard filling, It is spot on! Because, in fact, I am. 
Robyn: Round the Clock’s going to be packed too, you know that right?
Katy: Yeah…
Robyn: With all their holiness. We’re going to choke on holiness over there, you know that. We’ll walk in there and be like [makes choking sound]—
Katy: I’m sorry, but when you say “choke on holiness” I imagine someone gagging on the Pope’s cock.
Robyn: …Okay, one, that’s TOTALLY going on the website. And two, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT. Because…The Pope having a cock is just about useful as like, soap on a rope. 
Katy: You know, he has to PEE. 
Robyn: No, he doesn’t. You would think if God was going to make him a Pope, he would just not give him a penis. Because there’s no point.
Katy: Well—
Robyn: He can just have a vagina. AH, ALL POPE’S SHOULD BE WOMEN. I proved it!
Katy: There was only one. 
Robyn: …One woman or one pope?
Katy: One pope who was a woman?
Robyn: Did I miss that history lesson?
Katy: Yes. [laughs] You’ve never heard of Pope Joan?
Robyn: No.
Katy: Oh, okay.
Robyn: When was this?
Katy: Um, before?
Robyn: THANKS. You know, five minutes was before!
Katy: I don’t know the exact year!
Robyn: Like medival or a hundred or fifty years ago or…?
Katy: We’re talking like centuries before.
Robyn: So, medival?
Katy: Ish? I’m sorry! There’s not just medival and then modern times! There are a couple different times in there!
Robyn: You can’t just pop out some history fact and then not know everything about it! God, Katrina!
Katy: I’m sorry!

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Recorded for over an hour, and it’s under three and a half minutes. Be impressed. In this one, we go back to talking about vaginas and douches (seriously, what is our obsession with these?!), I get insulted (AGAIN), I try to be ghetto, and Katy asks me not to die on the bike trip I’m taking this summer. Enjoy!

Robyn: Uh, why have I— The past like, three days, I’ve said the word “vagina” more than I have in the previous twenty-one years of my life. 
Katy: [chuckles] Well, in all fairness, for the first couple years of your life, you didn’t know what a vagina was. Other than you came out of one. 
Robyn: I don’t really think that I knew I came out of one? Actually, I think— No, yeah, I came out a vagina. 
Katy: I like that you had to think about it. 
Robyn: Well, no, I thought, maybe she had a C-section?
Katy: I’m surprised at this point that you know what a C-section is! Do you actually know what a C-section is?
Robyn: Caesarian.
Katy: Do you know where they cut?
Robyn: [draws a line above the pelvic bone] mmm?
Katy: Oh, okay. Well, you didn’t know what a douche was, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Robyn: Well, that makes sense!
Katy: [sighs] I’m sorry. A caesarian section, which in no way, shape, or form has any words RELATED to womb or birth— that makes sense. But douche, which is the French word for wash and comes with words like doucheBAG— that doesn’t make sense?
Robyn: Well, it makes sense now that I know what a douche IS. 
Katy: You’re a douche.
Robyn: YOU’RE a douche. You know more about douches than anyone in the land!
Katy: …Are you saying I have a stinky vagina?
Robyn: Yes. 
Katy: That’s just insulting.
Robyn: Can I put this up on our website?
Katy: Yes.
Robyn: YES!

[…]

Katy: Is it a complex or a fascination?
Robyn: Both?
Katy: Can you be complexly fascinated? Complexly is a word.
Robyn: I don’t think it likely is, actually. 
Katy: It’s a word! …Your face is a word.
Robyn: My face is a word. [fake ghetto head roll] MmmMM.
Katy: Oh, sweetie, you can never, ever pull that off. Ever. 
Robyn: Why do you think I do it so often?
Katy: I wish you would have stuck the finger up though, and been like—
Robyn: [fake ghetto head roll with finger in the air] MmMMmmm.
Katy: [laughs] Aww, you can’t transcribe this!
Robyn: I can’t! What are you supposed to put? “Fake ghetto head swirl?”
Katy: Please stop bobbing?
Robyn: I was zig-zagging, thank you very much.
Katy: Oh, I’m sorry. Please, stop. [laughs] Oh, god, there’s something wrong with you. I mean, just like, all of that. 
Robyn: You just gestured to all of me. 
Katy: Yeah, I did. Except for your lungs. They’re perfect. 

[…]

Katy: I love you, but I’m not ready to have a lesbian faux-child with you. 
Robyn: Okay, can I be mommy number two?
Katy: No!
Robyn: And you be mommy number one?
Katy: No, because I’ve still got the kid! In this scenario I’m still taking care of your hypothetical child!
Robyn: …Yeah?
Katy: Yeah, that’s a problem. 
Robyn: But you want a kid!
Katy: NOT yours. Wow, that sounded really insulting.
Robyn: Yeah! And besides the fact that my kid would be awesome. My kid would be off the hook. 
Katy: Your kid would be deranged. 
Robyn: My kid would not have nearly as many issues as I do… I would hope. 
Katy: Yeah, okay…
Robyn: Although, me, giving it to my best friend might make it have some sort of issue…
Katy: “Mommy, why do I look like Aunt Robyn?” “She abandoned you.”

[…]

Katy: If I have to drive down and like, identify your body, I’m going to be royally cheesed off. 
Robyn: I’m sorry, I will try to make sure I don’t DIE, so that you don’t have to drive out of your way.
Katy: Thank you. 

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In which I get insulted quite a bit, Katy totally fails, and we reference two amazing shows. I realize it’s quite lengthy, but when you consider that I had recorded a total of forty five minutes and cut it down to three and a half, you lot should be grateful.

Katy: Oh, hey, there’s a card for you— There’s something for you in my purse. I kind of forgot to give it to you. I know it lacks a— I was going to put it on your plate in front of dinner, but I was cooking and rushing you out the door. Just pretend I said any of this!
Robyn: …Do you want me to go get it…?
Katy: No.
Robyn: Okay…
Katy: So, just pretend I said anything… Pretend I DIDN’T say anything. 
Robyn: Okay, I was like—
Katy: Shut up! [laughs]
Robyn: [laughs] Well, the funny thing is you said that twice. “Pretend I said something!”
Katy: [Makes rewinding sound] Aww, Michael Cera!
Robyn and Katy: [laughs]

[…]

Robyn: Well, that’s a bit of redundant. 
Katy: What?
Robyn: One of the comments on it was “still a better love story than Twilight.” Everything is a better— OUR story is a better love story than Twilight.
Katy: Is it because I don’t sparkle? If I glittered, would that, like, lessen our love?
Robyn: Yes. I can’t be with people who glitter.
Katy: [scoffs] I can’t tweet anymore because, seriously, I’ve just been abusing Twitter. 
Robyn: Wait…Is it glitter?
Katy: So, you can’t ever be with Mariah Carey, because she actually did Glitter. 
Robyn: Um, no offense, but I think I’m a little out of Mariah Carey’s league. [laughs]
Katy: Oh, no, sweetie, I think YOU’RE a little out of Mariah Carey’s league. She married Nick Cannon.
Robyn: That’s what I said… I said, “I’m out of her league.”
Katy: I’m sorry, let me rephrase: she’s out of YOU’RE league. 
Robyn: Oh, okay.
Katy: That’s where I meant to go with it. 
Robyn: Okay, I was like “but—”
Katy: I meant to— I meant to insult her. …Wait—
Robyn: No, what you said insulted me.
Katy: I know, but I meant to insult HER. 
Robyn: You had it right the first time, then. I’m so glad I’m recording this so I can put it on the website, and be like, “Watch Katy TOTAL FAIL at insulting me/Mariah Carey/me again.”
Katy: You said I was a shitty person!
Robyn: I didn’t record that though, so it didn’t happen. 
Katy: [laughs] Fuck you.
Robyn: [laughs]
Katy: I’m going to bed!
Robyn: Wow, I’ve been recording for forty minutes. 
Katy: Forty minutes of AWESOME.  Now, I’m gonna take this hammer, and go to bed. 
Robyn: Have fun with your hammer.
Katy: No, no, I’m putting the hammer in the closet. 
Robyn: No, wait, listen, listen! Have fun with your hammer… “The hammer is my penis.” (Referencing Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog) …You’re welcome!
Katy: [laughs] “The hammer is a metaphor for my penis.”
Robyn: [laughs] We’re messed up. 
Katy: Can I, one night— Okay, I’m going to do this one day when you’re at work: I’m going to decorate your bed in, like, crazy pink, and when you come home, I’m going to be like, “Go and sleep in your vagina!” (Referencing 2 Broke Girls) And you’ll be like, “You son of a bitch!”
Robyn: No, actually, I can almost guarantee you, I’ll like, look down at my vagina and be like, “I’m not that flexible.”
Katy: [laughs] That would take a lot of yoga. Like, A LOT. And, like, being double jointed on top of it. 
Robyn: I’m neither of those things.
Katy: You’re not a lot of yoga?
Robyn: I’m not a lot of yoga. 
Katy: I’m going to bed!
Robyn: Goodniiiight!

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Katy: I was thinking that if I’m going to get one, I might just get one that you screw onto the tap… 
Robyn: Like the one— With the commercial? Shazam! 
Katy: Yeah, except not that one because that one’s expensive— 
Robyn: Magic bananas! 
Katy: I know, and I really want to get it because it’s Zach Braff. 
Robyn: [giggles] 
Katy: And whenever he’s hawking something, I’m like “I NEED THAT TOILET PAPER!” 
Robyn: [giggles] 
Katy: “I NEED THAT WATER FILTER. YOU’RE ZACH BRAFF. I LOVE YOU.” 
Robyn: H2-Oh… 
Katy: Love him… I’m sure in real life, he’s probably a HUGE douche. Now that you know what a douche is… 
Robyn: [laughs] 
Katy: Now that you know what it is, can you see why it’s so insulting? 
Robyn: [laughs] “You’re something that cleans out a vagina!” 
Katy: Exactly! [laughs] How do you not know what a douche is? I don’t understand! 
Robyn: Well, now I do!

[…]

Katy: [Drives over bump] Oh, uff da. 
Robyn: Uff da? 
Katy: Uff da! It’s a Swedish thing for “oh, geez!” 
Robyn: Heh, is that the literal translation? 
Katy: Pretty much. 
Robyn: If you say, “pretty much” to that question, then, that’d be a no. 
Katy: Well,  it’s, it’s like… “Oh, geez.” “Gosh, darnit.” “Ugh.” Like, any kind of… not… non-sensical, like, verbal sound you make when you move. You know the kind of sounds I mean, right? 
Robyn: Yeah.  
Katy: You just say uff da. 
Robyn: [chuckles] Okay. 
Katy: It’s what the Swedes do. Well, Swedes, and pretty much Scandinavians in general… It’s also a cry of excitement. 
Robyn: UFF DA! 
Katy: No, it is. When you’re really excited, like, “uff da!” 
Robyn: [laughs]

So, about an hour before this conversation, Robyn and I got onto the topic of douches, where Robyn revealed that she didn’t know that a douche was a real thing. She just thought it was a made up insult, so I had the great pleasure of informing her what a douche was. For those of you who don’t know, here’s the definition: “a jet or current of water, sometimes with a dissolved medicating or cleansing agent, applied to a body part, organ, or cavity, for medical or hygienic purposes.” Most usually, they’re used to clean vaginas. I wish Robyn had been recording THAT conversation.

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Robyn: I think I’m more disappointed by Zooey Deschanel’s divorce, though.
Katy: Who would divorce Zooey Deschanel?! 
Robyn: I don’t know.
Katy: Oh well, she can just end up with Joe— J—
Robyn: Joseph.
Katy: I can never get that out. I always want to call him Jordan? Because I’m, like, combining Joseph and Gordon?
Robyn: [laughs] Well, I guess that makes sense. 
Katy: I know, I always want to call him Jordan Levitt Scott, and I don’t know why!
Robyn: [laughs louder]  Where’d Scott come from?!
Katy: Ashley Scott Thomas? I don’t know. Like, it makes sense in my head… Shut up. 
Robyn: [laughs again]
Katy: Shut your whore mouth. 
Robyn: [laughing] Okay…
Katy: I will cut you.
Robyn: But yeah, they can just end up together.
Katy: Right? 
Robyn: So, I guess in one way, that’s a good thing, but she has to, like, step up…Get on that.
Katy: He’s, like, ridiculously single. Actually, you know, he probably dates like random little hipster chicks. 
Robyn: I think I heard that he dates models.
Katy: Aww, does he have a short guy complex?
Robyn: Well, he is short, so I could imagine.

Incase you couldn’t figure it out, we got onto the topic of how Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel belong with each other. I realize it isn’t that weird, but it’s a test entry, and the really weird conversation we had today, I totally didn’t get the recorder out in time. Sorry!